Usually I find “Sorry I’ve been gone so long” posts get on my nerves. Okay, they always do; even in the case of my own, but here goes anyway.
I took a whirlwind, once-in-a-lifetime trip around the world the past several months and neglected my blog.
I’ve been overcome with some disease and been in the hospital unable to complete my blog.
I’ve struggled with life changes amongst my family and friends so my blogging has suffered.
I grew up understanding that “being perfect” was the way to avoid ire and angst. Anything less was a call to imperfection usually followed by a feeling of being of less value and creating a problem. In my house, you did not want to create a problem.
Excuse my veracity. Rather, don’t excuse it. I don’t care one way or the other. In the word of the immortal Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”
I haven’t been blogging because I just didn’t feel like it.
The utter truth is, I’ve lacked inspiration, disregarded inspiration, focused elsewhere, and did lots of thinking. Most times, I think through my blogging (surely, you’ve noticed) and that usually gives me the perspective and outlet I’m looking for. Recently, it hasn’t. I’ve been off on my own, held accountable in several other areas of my mundane life, and been muddling through. Never feeling like I quite fit.
Have you ever not known what you want to do next all the while not being sure you even want to do anything?
I guess, though I’m still in a holding pattern while homeschooling, I ought to be looking to the future. Often, I feel the pressure to do so and often I feel a lack of pressure. Finding who I am and what I really want is a recent ongoing struggle. It began about 3 years ago and has continued to be less than or more fulfilling along the way, but never quite the right amount of fulfilling. I’m still searching. Searching not for meaning, but for my new place in this world. Call it a change in seasons, or finding focus.
As I wandered away from this post for awhile, it came to me that it’s not really a lack of focus, but rather of direction. I know my path. I’m comfortable there. I need to find a new branch off my path where I feel just as at home. This one is mired in muck some days. It’s bogging me down.
I am that teenager who has no idea what she wants to be when she grows up. I’ve never been that teenager. I set out, determined from age 9 to become a teacher. I found my place for awhile until it was gone. Now it’s time to find a new path. A new destination. A new destiny.
Wish me luck.
I’ll keep you posted.